Now that 2017 is officially over, here is my list of the 5 worst movies of last year.

5. King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword

It’s hard to imagine that a movie based on such a popular lore and with this much special effects could be so boring. The action-fantasy film directed by Guy Ritchie and starring Charlie Hunnam has clever dialogue but it feels misplaced. The characters speak as if they live in a modern England but the story clearly takes place in the past.

Also, it’s plain old boring. I fell asleep 3 times watching this movie and didn’t miss anything important or necessary to the story. When the Octo-triplet witches appeared, taking King Arthur seriously became difficult and maybe Guy Ritchie didn’t want this to be an overly seriously film, I can respect that, but at least make things interesting. Wait, I’m lying, I was taken out of this when the gigantic elephant or olyphant showed up in the first scene. I’m not saying that creature was stolen from Lord Of The Rings but I half-expected to see Legalos surfing down its tusk.

 

4. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Paul W.S. Anderson had me going with the first Resident Evil movie, he really did. It wasn’t exactly like the game with the exception of the T-virus, Umbrella Corp. and Raccoon City but it was a passable film with decent action scenes. Alice was an interesting character even though she wasn’t in the game but Milla Jovovich is Anderson’s wife so of course she needed a part. Even so, it was still fine and she was a badass; like I said, passable. Then part 2 came out……and this series got progressively worse up to The Final Chapter.

I remember going to watch this with a friend on a cold Saturday afternoon. We went to 7/11 to buy some food for the movie and the staff actually let us in the theater with it which was awesome of them, Thank you unnamed movie theater staff. Sitting in the theater watching Resident Evil I recall thinking to myself, “you know, the best part of this movie is the food I’m eating”.  Thank you unnamed 7/11 staff for making the food good that day. Ok, back to the review.

What is allegedly the last film in this dead series, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter goes all out with the shakiest of shaky cam fight scenes, forgettable supporting cast, enough plot holes to break your ankles while treading through this mess, and one the most genuinely laughable “surprise” endings I’ve ever seen.

 

3. The Circle

 

What happens when you put Tom Hanks, Emma Watson, Jon Boyega, and Karen Gillan in a movie together? Complete shit. Someone has to explain to me what the point of this movie was? Not why the movie was made, which is probably equally inexplicable, but what is the plot of this movie?

It’s easy to assume this movie is trying to warn us about the dangers of new technology and over saturation of social media. That would have actually made sense but the main character not only goes along with the negative aspects, she also compounds the problem. Mini cameras everywhere watching your every movie? According to Emma Watson, there’s not ENOUGH cameras.

Mind you, this invasion of privacy allowed her followers to harass her ex-bf with video drones while he was driving on a cliff side causing him to drive off the rode and die. But it’s ok because he was a troubled person and needed help. YOU JUST MURDERED AN INNOCENT PERSON! and no one cared. All of this leads to the question of why Jon Boyega’s character kept warning her about The Circle’s invasive monitoring of people’s lives when she clearly gave no fucks? Thank you for wasting 90 minutes of my life.

 

2. Rings

 

If you watch Samara’a video and don’t make someone else watch that video then she will kill you. And nobody thought to just upload it on youtube and call it a day? or send it to friends through social media? So many options and all these 30-something year old looking college students didn’t stop to think of this.

Rachel in The Ring 2 already figured out Samara’s past and freed her although it didn’t stop her from killing people. I guess Rings is different because we meet Samara’s dad who’s blind and she gets to kill him……because revenge? Julia, the girl who “saves” Samara, again, gets possessed in the end and blah blah blah who cares? This movie sucks. I’m not mad at how bad it was, just mesmerized at the fact someone thought this was a good idea.

 

1. Transformers: The Last Knight

If you want to know what I thought of this Michael Bay epic, check out my review here.

This guy Michael Bay really does not care anymore about what anyone thinks or creating a good story. Seeing how much his Transformers films gross at the box office, it’s understandable. Still, that is no excuse to pull his pants down, shit on camera, then give it to audiences as a full fledged movie.

Watching a John Waters film makes me feel cleaner than watching this franchise and actor/actress Divine once ate dog poop in one of his movies. That movie is Pink Flamingos and the scene is disgusting but I would rather sit through that than watch Marky Mark fight 40 – 50 foot tall megaton robots with a magic sword. Though it’s not Wahlberg’s fault, he chose to sign on for a second movie so he is not immune to the wrath.

I hate this movie for many reasons but none more than the jive talking Decepticon Mohawk. “Aww yea! Decepticons is in da streetz!”……….Man, fuck you! I almost walked out on this garbage, fell asleep during the chase scene with C3P-Butler bot, woke up during the submarine scene, looked at my watch and softly cried for a couple minutes. Notice I haven’t once brought up Anthony Hopkins’ character or the Witwickan plotline or the…..I’m getting a headache rethinking about this damn movie.

After all of that, I still had over an hour left to go in the movie but I stayed because I love you guys and writing for Geekphilia. Perhaps it’s time I begin reevaluating my decisions in life.


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Rahieme McLaurin

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